Women Should Take More Control

Editor’s Note:  This post is written by Wisdom is Misery, to learn more about WIM, check out his GoodBrother! feature.

Of the many debates I’ve had on-line, few are as passionately disputed as when I suggest women take more control of their dating lives. Ironically, men rarely disagree. Women on the other hand are quick to take up arms on the subject. They quote the bible, whip out highlighted women’s manuals, reference girl code and attempt to assassinate my character.

I’m open to argue about a variety of areas where if women took more control it would immensely help them succeed in the realm of dating, but I’ll stick with two today. Those are: 1) Women Should Approach Men and 2) Women Should Have a Checklist for Men That Approach Them.

Women Should Approach Men. In 2011, I can’t think of any logical reason for women not to approach men they’re interested in. None. Oh trust me; there are plenty of excuses but there are no valid reasons. Zero. I’m not suggesting you have to approach every man but there are sound reasons why more women should implement this attitude.

First, it makes sense. Why sit around deciphering between all the losers who are willing to approach you that you might or not be attracted to when you can immediately narrow your dating pool down to only men you are attracted to simply by approaching them first?

Last, IT MAKES SENSE. Waiting for random men to approach you while passively trying to get the attention of men you are interested in is sense-less. I recognize this is the status quo but so was slavery at one point and you see how that worked out.

Women Should Have a Checklist for Men That Approach Them. Ok fine, you are not going to approach men. You’re shy, above such uncivilized activity or the dumbest reason of all, that is the man’s responsibility. Fine! I get it. Not really but I accept it. In that case, you should at least have a mental checklist for what you expect of men that approach you – and some items must be non-negotiable.

For one, this encourages personal responsibility. If or when a relationship doesn’t work out, you have your list to reference. Did he meet everything on your list? Did the relationship still fail? Does the list need editing, adjusting, expansion? Should some items that are not present be added or should some items that are currently negotiable become non-negotiable?

What happens more often than not is that women have no list at all. Instead, they negotiate relationship encounters based on the emotional investment they have in particular men. Then if it doesn’t work out, it’s all his fault, not yours. Wrong. It’s easy to point out that someone helped you get lost. It’s harder to accept the fact that maybe you never had a clear destination in mind to begin with.

Let’s be honest, he didn’t become a different man overnight. He simply got what he wanted and went AWOL. Unless you’re dating an X-Men – as in a Marvel Comic’s character, not an actual ex-man – he likely knew what he wanted from you long before he got it because he had a checklist in his mind that you failed to have in yours. More importantly, your goals never aligned. It’s doubtful he was a perfect gentlemen on Monday, then suddenly metamorphed into a jackass the Friday after you had relations 90 days into your yet unclearly defined “relationship.” No, he was a jackass the whole time. Later, as you look back on that period with a clear head after your emotions subside, you will likely realize this was more evident than you wanted to accept during the process.

Having a checklist will not prevent heartbreak or disappoint. However, if followed it will help guide the course of your relationships from the very beginning. If these relationships don’t work out it will cause you to question the type of men you are allowing yourself to date before you begin rolling out the blame to everyone but yourself.

——————–

Women mistakenly believe that if they are “aggressive” they will intimidate men. This is false. You may intimidate a few boys but men like to understand their options. I believe the truth is you are more afraid that if he has a clear understanding of your expectations, then he will not react as you hope. This is true, but would you rather waste time waiting for him to dictate the pace and direction of the relationship even if his pace and direction do not coincide with your own?

If you answered yes, how has that been working out for you?

Wisdom Is Misery aka W.I.M. W.I.M. is currently unmarried, has no kids and owns no pets. He is a freelance writer that writes on current events, politics, life, love & relationships and much more. To learn more about WIM, check out our GoodBrother! feature or his blog WisdomIsMisery.

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Comments

  1. Ebonie says:

    “It’s easy to point out that someone helped you get lost. It’s harder to accept the fact that maybe you never had a clear destination in mind to begin with.” — So much truth in this statement. Awesome article!!!

  2. Starita34 says:

    “In 2011, I can’t think of any logical reason for women not to approach men they’re interested in …”

    Lemme help ya:
    – because if a man isn’t interested in you like that he never will be. Women however, tend to let men “grow on them”. Physical attraction is much more fluid for us, less important, and more heavily influenced by our emotions.

    We need you to be physically attracted and to see us as worth a risk to even get the game started, otherwise it’s an exercise in futility.

    • Not sure I agree. I think “approaching” is a fluid term in itself. I wasn’t specifically alluding to actual approaching, as in a woman walking up to a man and asking him for a number. I think that’s the extreme example. There are a myriad of ways to let a man know you’re interested, which I believe, women don’t excercise. In my opinion, most women are passively aggressive when it comes to dating.

      To your other point, just because a man doesn’t approach you doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you. I think defining men based on whether they approach as good versus bad is poor management. I know plenty of no good men that will approach women all night long. In fact, they are probably the quickest to approach.

      Conversely, I’m sure plenty of perfectly good men dont approach women for a variety of reasons, the most glaringly obvious example being that he assumes you’re not interested in him….because you’re busy being passive aggressive. lol

      • Starita34 says:

        LOL, do tell, what are some ways that we are passive aggressive?

        Also, with all the #Thirst talk nowadays, a woman doing the approaching is also putting herself at risk for yet more labels to be thrust upon her.

        • TWIsM says:

          Fear of thirst aside (and not an intentional shot at the female ego) but what if the man honestly didn’t see you. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been out with friends and meeting new people genuinely having a great time and at the end of the night walking out of the venue, I notice people like “They were in there?” or “How did I not see her?” This doesn’t mean that I was afraid to approach, but in that situation, if she’d been waiting for me she would definitely end up with a lonely feeling.

        • Tracy says:

          I think that unless we DO take risks, we WILL sit around and wait for something to happen. We are not children and should be able to work things out in order to decide whether or not to “approach” the man we may be interested in. Something in you has made you want to apprach them, so…go ahead. Go for it! Take that chance. Dont be so concerned about what “others” will think. Who cares? If it dosen’t work out, there are always others. It’s a big world!! And, no, you will more than likely not be looked upon as a slut, or a loose woman, just one with confidence.

    • furious_styles says:

      @ Starita-“We need you to be physically attracted and to see us as worth a risk to even get the game started, otherwise it’s an exercise in futility.”

      You think men don’t need it as well? If men applied that logic, the human race would die out.

      If non-initiating works for you (women in general) and your dating life is unicorns and candy-rain, then don’t change your approach (or non-approach). If not, then change what you do. It just makes sense.

  3. Mrs. brightside says:

    The recommendation of a checklist is great. I have one and at the tippy top is “Do I feel like this man can be the head of our home?” If I, as a woman, approach a man, in essence initiating our interaction, I’ll in most cases have to initiate everything else in our relationship romantic or not. If this man doesn’t have whatever it is that it takes to approach me there is likely something missing. Be it an attraction to me, courage, interest in dating, confidence, or what have you, whatever is missing is an obstacle that was implicitly known at the beginning. Knowing that I want a man that is willing and able to take charge is more than a good reason in 2011 for me not to approach a man.

    To avoid a rant I’ll say this; the problem, in my opinion, with the male-female relationship today is men have given/ allowed women to take too much control.

    • As I said, I’m not sure I agree with these criterion but I don’t really have a rebuttal because I will concede that a lot of women will more than likely agree with these quotes from your comment:

      1) “If I, as a woman, approach a man, in essence initiating our interaction, I’ll in most cases have to initiate everything else in our relationship romantic or not.”

      2) “Knowing that I want a man that is willing and able to take charge is more than a good reason in 2011 for me not to approach a man. “

    • Starita34 says:

      Although I disagree with “If I, as a woman, approach a man, in essence initiating our interaction, I’ll in most cases have to initiate everything else in our relationship romantic or not.”

      I totally agree with “If this man doesn’t have whatever it is that it takes to approach me there is likely something missing. Be it an attraction to me, courage, interest in dating, confidence, or what have you, whatever is missing is an obstacle that was implicitly known at the beginning. Knowing that I want a man that is willing and able to take charge is more than a good reason in 2011 for me not to approach a man. ”

      Thing is, I know my heart, I know my intentions, I know my level of interest. The burden is on the man to prove to me his heart, his intentions, his level of interest. Sound unfair? Get at me when I get paid the same wage for doing the same job. Plus men and women ARE different, our roles SHOULD vary IMO.

  4. Amanda says:

    I think that this will be debated until the end. It definitely makes sense to approach a man if you’re interested. However, if the man didn’t approach you, could it be for a reason? Most men, real men, when they see a woman they want, they do what is required to have her. Do you really want to start off a relationship with a man where you have to be the man? The checklist is a great idea. You gotta have standards when dating.

    • Starita34 says:

      By “real men” do you mean that they really have testes and a pen!s? Or is the criterion XY chromosomes? Or do you really, simply mean “your type”?

    • Adonis says:

      Anytime a woman use a “If He Was A Real Man” Argument, they have lost

  5. Katryna says:

    I love the idea of approaching men vs. waiting for someone I’m interested in to approach me, but I’ve always found it awkward so I didn’t do it. Although, I was recently promoting a film and I ended up in a great conversation with a guy who I now love to be around, but I never would have spoken to otherwise. Maybe it’s less about “approaching” and more about being interesting and trying to find out what’s interesting about others. Yeah, the approaching is still there, but thinking of it that way takes the pressure off and the awkwardness out of it.

    WIM you should write about this. Now that you’ve told us ladies to approach, how do we get the conversation started?

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