5 Possible Reasons You’re Still Single

Memorial Day heralds the unofficial start of summer.  The rising temperatures are usually mirrored by rising hemlines and libidos.  Single people are on the hunt, in search of the ever elusive summer romance.  Concerts, festivals and other events offer numerous opportunities to see, be seen and to potentially meet that someone special.  So why are so many women unhappily single and seemingly unable to meet Mr. Right?

1.    Expecting too much too soon.  You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it so why would you make a commitment to someone you’ve only gotten to know on a superficial level?  It takes time to get to know someone.  And while there is no one-size-fits-all rule with regard to how soon is too soon, there are some benchmarks that you can make note of.  How many of his friends have you met?  Have you met his family?  What kinds of things do you talk about?  If you are communicating openly, honestly and consistently, the growth of your relationship will be organic.  You will each just naturally prefer the company of each other over that of anyone else and the right time to formalize your commitment will manifest. It’s a delicate balance:  push too hard and you come off very “Fatal Attraction”; play too hard to get and he may figure you aren’t interested and move on to the next person.  (note:  It usually takes more than 2 dates to truly know someone, no matter how many doves and glittery unicorns appeared when you first laid eyes on each other)

2.    Not being honest.  It is expected that people will put their best foot forward when getting to know someone.  This can become a slippery slope if the best foot is not actually your foot.  There are people who are so hungry for a relationship that they attempt to morph into what they think the other person wants.  As time goes on, it becomes increasingly difficult to continue pretending to be someone you are not.  It is frustrating for you because you are not interacting from a place of honesty.  By pretending to be someone other than your authentic self, you risk not receiving the emotional nourishment the real you desires.  It is frustrating for the other person because once the real you is revealed, they may feel betrayed and there may be no repairing the relationship. (note:  How would you feel if you purchased what you believed to be a Mercedes Benz only to find that it was a Mercedes body on a go-cart frame/motor and to top it off, the engine doesn’t even work?  Kind of the same thing)

3.    Confusing good sex with intimacy.  As scary as it may be in this time of HIV/AIDS, there are people who are just looking for a hook-up – a warm body and sex with no strings attached.  And that’s fine if the people involved are consenting adults and moving forward with full disclosure.  But increasingly, women attempt to use sex as a way to trap a man into a committed relationship, failing to realize that it may have the opposite effect.   A man may think “wow.  if she gave up the goodies this fast to me, how many other guys has she done the same thing with?”  And no matter how tight your sex game is (pun intended) it is no substitute for the emotional intimacy that can only come from getting to know someone as a person.  (note:  Quiet as it’s kept, the sex is exponentially better when you have taken time to build love and trust).

4.    Not checking you baggage at the door.  The older you get, the more likely you are to have had at least one bad relationship.  It is understandable to be more cautious based upon past experience.  It is not, however, fair or reasonable to make the current object of your affection do penance for what the last guy did or did not do.  You wouldn’t pour white wine into a glass that just had red wine in it because it would taint the taste. You would either clean the glass to remove all old residue or get a new glass.  Same concept.  (note:  Holding your new relationship hostage with the ghost of past relationships gone bad can make you appear emotionally/psychologically unbalanced.  Either stop acting crazy or seek professional help)

5.    Talking too much and to the wrong people.  A new relationship is very exciting and it is understandable that you would want to talk about it and share your joy with anyone within earshot.  You want them to see the glittery unicorns too.  But you should be careful about what you say and to whom.  No man wants to hear through the grapevine that you have already selected the china pattern when you’ve only been out on a few dates.  But more importantly than that, a new romance is like a new baby.  It needs to be protected from things that can harm it because it is unable to protect itself.  You don’t yet know each other well enough to confidently know what he would or wouldn’t do or say.  As much as some people may mean well, too much advice from people who know too little about you, your love interest and your situation can be a bad thing. (note:  Nobody likes a showoff, especially your female ‘friends” who are unhappily single.  Misery loves company.)

Dating should be pleasant, not a psychological ultimate fighting match.  Yes, have standards and if someone is clearly not what you had in mind, don’t waste your time.  But no man is going to want to feel as though he is on a highly competitive job interview every time he goes out with you.  Relax, relate, release and you will enjoy your summer and possibly have someone to snuggle up with once the weather gets cold again.

 

Last 5 posts by Traci Adedeji

Comments

  1. SCL says:

    good advice!

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